The Perfect Valentine Voicemail

This is a little different from my normal posts, but I figured you’d enjoy a good laugh from some on the most memorable valentine voicemail messages I’ve received. Warning, don’t listen to the video at work – unless your coworkers enjoy a good laugh, too!


On Valentine’s night 2014, somewhere in Bald Knob, Arkansas, Rita ran off with some kid’s daddy. And some kid’s mother wasn’t too happy about it. She got ahold of a phone number she thought was Rita’s and proceeded to leave NINE voicemails between midnight and 5 a.m.

At 6:56 a.m. on February 15, Rita’s (now former) friend called again. This time, I woke up (I was living in Montana, mind you) and answered the phone. She proceeded to cuss me out and tell me I was done for.

I told the caller she was crazy and needed to rethink the idea of calling someone in Montana before 6 a.m. on Saturday morning.

After hanging up that call, I realized there were nine valentine voicemail messages, 11 missed calls and these text messages…

rita valentine voicemail

Rita u need 2 call me & I mean now

Well I called the state boys & reported. it stolen so it will b n ur best interns 2 call me I’m not playing no bs games

When I hung up from that conversation really confused, My roommates and I laughed our asses off at the scene that must have unfolded in Arkansas the night before.

Fortunately, we had the mind to record these valentine voicemail messages so we continue reliving that night and hoping Rita got far, far away.

***Warning: Video Contains Profanity!*** I think you’ll get a kick out of these. I added captions to the video so you still get to enjoy the conversation without disturbing your coworkers.

As you enjoy time with your valentine this weekend, I hope you have much better day than these folks. And if your name is Rita and you ran off with some kid’s daddy in a Cadillac, I hope you got away clean. I wouldn’t recommend returning home to see your friends any time soon. And if you do, apparently his stuff will be on the porch.

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Ryan Goodman lives in Colorado, is an avid trail and ultrarunner, and works with farmers and ranchers to help them share their stories of agriculture and how food is raised. Connect with Ryan online as @BeefRunner. #TeamBeef.
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